Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
