I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
