this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
they're like a gay fantastic four
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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