Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
