My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I am one with the molecules
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
