the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
