I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Randomize
