i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
