Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I fill condoms, not promises.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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