I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
