she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
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A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
This is classic penis vs brain.
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Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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