your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
