So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
