Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
