So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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