at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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