The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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