She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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