he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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