i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
