Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
It was like getting head from an anaconda
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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