Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
