ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Randomize
