she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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