We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize
