I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
