this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
