I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
