I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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