Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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