I want to have your abortion
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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