I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Randomize
