so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Its about making memories worth repressing
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
