On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
id be glad to
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
