U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
