Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
