So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
only if we run a train.
done.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
