So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
