Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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