final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
