What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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