wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
