Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Randomize
