he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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