We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize