That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
