I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Randomize
