It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
