Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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