All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
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