Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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