the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
