So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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