That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
