I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
