Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
