You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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